Getting beyond the Pain of 2011

December 29, 2011:

Had awaken this morning to a sense of winter wonderment without the heavy snow that perhaps by this time now we should have had in this area of Rochester- Detroit which all in all had covered me with warmth as I laid under the covers. Yes the very warmth of three comforters.

This morning however just like last night could still feel the snap of coldness upon arising from my bed as I begin to look back at 2011 and the events of my life and its circumstances in which I can honestly say that I am very glad 2011 is going away. There have been so much pain within me, but all in all I have had a sense of growth and development.

Just nearly three weeks ago I could have “checked out” and I did not do so thanks to some pretty worthwhile friends and members of my church that came rallying with love and prayers. I had spent the better part of these last four weeks surrounded by both friends and love.

Been pondering and reflecting over my life in which areas of my life I have earnestly paid attention to and which areas have I aborted that held me down. I am realizing that year “2012” will have to be such a year that shall be so relentless in grabbing it by the horns and create success and development is such a way that it will allow me to reach some worthwhile goals and objectives for the year.

I have been reflecting back at the last twenty years all the way back to that first date with Mary Jeanne in January 1990 and the impact she had in my life than. No matter what I had tried these last four weeks has been something where flashbacks of my relationship and marriage to Mary Jeanne had continued to pop into my mind warranted or not. I have thought about the infamy of a divorce that really did not have to occur. In the means of how the marriage came to an abrupt ending and how it brought the breaks on in the heavy sighs of a divorce settlement was draining emotionally enough for both her and I.

The death of a marriage as I came to understand is not always a fresh beginning unless it was a very abusive and unsatisfying marriage. Mine and Mary Jeanne’s were far from abusive and unsatisfying. For the marriage had in itself growth periods with its ups and downs.  A marriage ought to have intimacy; it ought to be a relationship of love and honor but most importantly like any arrangement there is a need to treat a marriage like a business of sorts such as life itself pending the interpretation of any person who continues to run its course in a business mindset with everyday details and its accomplishments.

Neither MJ nor I regretted at the time as we looked back during that year of 2008 and sailed onto the counsel chambers of a judge in Oakland County. As much as it did hurt the both of us to look back at those twenty years as “stages of learning, growth and development” had empowered us in a way to grow-up and of course as painfully as it had to be done; we did grow up. She changed a lot and so did I. It was not to a pint where we did not recognize one another but in an essence where she began to look trimmer, healthier and beamed more happiness. She loved her new surroundings in Birmingham, Michigan and would not waste a minute to feel me in on it.

It was fine for her as it was for me but for me it was nerve-wrecking to be alone again after 18 years of marriage. I have always believed in a forever marriage but choices I have made kind of put a road block in that for this life’s sojourn between her and me. I need to respect her free agency, her wishes with regards to separating. But I still lay hold on the premise that her mother and family had a lot to do with our break-up.

However, contrary to the whims, pandering and pleadings of others we remained pretty close over the last three years of her life. We were tight and we always understood what we knew as “the big picture.”

It always bothered the naysayer especially various members whom are former friends and of my former church of membership who did not agree nor liked my life choices to save my own life. They would prefer to see me in the grave than for myself to be whom and what I am to save my life after five attempts of checking out. Somehow and in some way I knew I had to embrace and make peace with what I refer to both a blessing and a curse. These former associates of mine continue to be so ignorant in their respective skin that for the most part these various Mormons are literally full of themselves. I do not disdain nor dislike the Mormon faith for it has been part of my spiritual make-up for some thirty years, and still agree with many of its tenets and principles, but what does rip at me is their respective ignorance, double-standards and discrimination with regards to the embodiment of Christ-like love and compassion.

My plans for early year 2012 are to:

1.)    Move south of the M-59 marker where there is more traffic within the circles and doings of my life.

2.)    Work shall be a mainstay and dealt more with a ruthless aggression mindset. I want to ensure that work is a ruling principle in my life. I want to live and breathe success at every turn spiritually, financially and physically. The emotional, social and mental mindset and development shall continue to enhance and develop.

3.)    I want to ensure that my book is ready for publication comes fall of 2012.

4.)    To rid myself of the stinkin’ thinking that I have carried for sometime.  

5.)    In a healthy way drop my weight down 70 pounds by not risking or hampering my life.

6.)    Live life in such a way and manner that it is to be who I am and not to the image of others. To be able to afford material goods that is right in price, but will not break the bank. To be able to purchase a nice car when it warrants it not beforehand just for appearance sake.

7.)    To further learn and grow by attending workshops, training classes and seminars to sharpen the saw.

8.)    Concentrate on my business endeavors and focus on passive income streams.

9.)    Eliminate or dampen my ego issues by being more humble and finding my inner spiritual voice.

These are starters to begin with and I am certain there shall be room for realignment here and there.

There was so much that Mary Jeanne and I wanted to accomplish not just together but separately, too. I would like for her legacy and memory to live on and I have started measures to do such. Some of which will become more relevant as time moves on. I am healing and it’s getting better. The pain is subsiding but I know I have got to give it time. I need not to bottle it inside for it would hurt me.  

Life continues and life moves on. One must push their shoulder to the wheel sort of speak. And I am not any exception. I carry my own cross that the Lord of my life had placed upon me, but I know as I walk forward that I will need to seek Him more.

Thank you for reading and have a blessed and prosperous 2012 ahead!

Be well,

Jennifer Elisabeth (JET)