Why I couldn't sleep and paced the floor with tears this night!

I had felt the need to write some stuff and not take way too long cause there is no need for that right now if I am making sense.

I started two days ago with the medication prescribed to me called "vyvanse" and I feel that it has been settling into my system though I feel so exhausted and whipped out like no energy levels nor do I want anything to do right now.

I have been relaxing and reading through some material while holding back emotional tears cause I feel like I had slept and awaken back in 1977 when my favorite idol passed away at age 42 and how I had cried and sobbed like a high school girl over Elvis Presley's death.


Personally however, I know life moves forward and so continues the very essence of the business of life. But, being 50 years of age myself I am beginning to think how well prepared I would be when my number is called by the counsels of heaven sort to speak. The question is if I shall have all my ducks in a row? I guess, like some folks, I too, am scared of dying even though I never had such fear some ten years ago.

Was talking to someone earlier tonight and I am wondering what triggered the sort of conversation that I found myself in and not to so pleasant. However, after asking me what I felt about funerals I made it a point to express to him that I would want for both my boyfriend and companion Bill and of course my adopted sister and one of the best girlfriends a woman could have in Marylou to ensure that my favorite song "My Way" sung by the chairman of the board; Frank Sinatra is played along with my favorite church hymn "Lord, I Will Follow Thee" performed and sung along with a piano tune version I enjoy about Gitmo in Cuba.

But is it normal for someone to even talk about death? To discuss it even? Perhaps I have not dealt well in the past years concerning my parents own passing and realize how much I truly miss them this evening and how isolated and lonely I feel that caused me to break down and sob like such a baby tonight.

I constantly need to have the television or the music going on so I can hear chatter and voices; for I had thought I could handle being alone when my own boyfriend is not even hardly here, nor anyone else for that matter. But in reality I know I can not handle the loneliness and of course my dogs presence really doesn't provide that stimulation I need when there could be someone here at home with me. I lack in confidence and self-esteem right now....of that I am certain and where I may be charismatic in certain circles, however, I am so uncomfortable going anywhere by myself. Tonight for example I could have gone to Club 9 in Ferndale where there is a large gathering contingent of Latino Americans from within the LGBT community and its allies and yet I did not go cause I have no one to go with me.

Personally, I fight and have been struggling with not going to and of course attending church on Sunday mornings because I go there alone and it bothers me to the nines even though I bury it deep within the hidden chambers of bosom and soul and never bring it up because I had figured why even bother because no one would care, right? Yeah..go figure! 

I should not be lacking at self-confidence because even with the rhino nose job I still lack confidence and Bill, bless his sweet golden heart continues to assure me that I am beautiful, and should not have concerns. But, the issue and struggle I have is that I do struggle with the lack of confidence, self-esteem and acceptance.

Sometimes, I feel that I do not want to die because I still feel I have work yet to do in my life and lives of those whose hearts I could penetrate and impact for the good. But, there are times which I feel I may never have the blessings of finishish my work.

I have had many close and dear friends drop and die under many different circumstances with the only relatives close to me that had passed onto the other side of the curtain sort of speak have been both my mother and father. I still find it odd however and now witnessing through media the deaths of three people I grew up enjoying especially that of Michael Jackson whose age was 50 such as mine and having grown up with him never ever meeting the man, both listening to and enjoying his work. Like him on the dance floor I too wanted to dance and I accomplished in obtaining such talent and those that know my dancing abilities could attest that I had picked up the skill of free-style dancing without professional instructions the very moves of both Elvis and Michael.

I lately have spoken with both my therapist and with Bill about what sort of success I wish to be. But, feel that some aspects of my past would hinder me with obstacles and hurdles along the way. I wish to empower people with potential to be the best in whom and what they can become. My recent failures this past semester at college has me down because I know I am better then that those grades I received and I can be more of a successful student, for I know better than that.

I know that I have changed a lot not just only in appearance and and journeyed where many folks would not reinvent nor transition their respective lives could not possibly have phantom for themselves regarding my transformation along with those that can be their respective true selves. However, I see myself in the mirror and seems now that I know longer see that "man in the mirror" that I once had to be cause I had no choice in the matter, but have moved on and have grown in ways that I know I can never return because such as an old friend pointed out to me: "You have reached a point of no return"! Have I really? C'mon, did I really have to go there? 

So where do I go from here in my planning with prayer, hopes and wishes for a great and awesome life, a better sister, friend and woman of stature and substance? It is life from where I see it. I am not stuck or stagnant in some wave as some of my friends are in their respective journey in reinventing. I truly wish to help them and empower as I can, but a number of them are stuck in their issues with struggles within areas of their respective personal lives and I mean not to knock them down. I wish none ill, but may they reach wherever point they seem happiest and fulfilled.

When reinventing oneself and under such persuasion a person ought to grasp the fact that one is never done with that journey. However, to each and everyone of them who has their own reasoning and perspective as to what they feel is complete and that they have arrived where they sit on the peaks can rest from their own journeys.

Myself, I am at the dawn of a new chapter in life. I am at the very dawn of new beginnings. The next pages of a new chapter are beginning to be written and with the pages of my past though history as it spells out to me on how extreme and eccentric I myself can surely be. 


Life itself is never and has never been fair to anyone person. We either just have to take the bull by the horns and steer them where we may in order to reach the plateaus of life or just sit on the bench warming it up and somewhere wondering which chocolate did we actually pull out of life's box.

I am a proud woman in spite of the pain, toils, labors and struggles which I had endure and no doubt continue to endure to the end with none much further far to go feel now that I have placed behind my status of a journey of reinvention which does not make me any less than the next person and yet an ally that will fight for the right of what is true, fair and just.

On this late evening and early morning I wish you good a good night and good luck!

~ Jennifer Elisabeth
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"The transition is the struggle, but the journey in itself remains the calming eye within the storms of life."

~ Jennifer Elisabeth Mendez