Why I couldn't sleep and paced the floor with tears this night!

I had felt the need to write some stuff and not take way too long cause there is no need for that right now if I am making sense.

I started two days ago with the medication prescribed to me called "vyvanse" and I feel that it has been settling into my system though I feel so exhausted and whipped out like no energy levels nor do I want anything to do right now.

I have been relaxing and reading through some material while holding back emotional tears cause I feel like I had slept and awaken back in 1977 when my favorite idol passed away at age 42 and how I had cried and sobbed like a high school girl over Elvis Presley's death.


Personally however, I know life moves forward and so continues the very essence of the business of life. But, being 50 years of age myself I am beginning to think how well prepared I would be when my number is called by the counsels of heaven sort to speak. The question is if I shall have all my ducks in a row? I guess, like some folks, I too, am scared of dying even though I never had such fear some ten years ago.

Was talking to someone earlier tonight and I am wondering what triggered the sort of conversation that I found myself in and not to so pleasant. However, after asking me what I felt about funerals I made it a point to express to him that I would want for both my boyfriend and companion Bill and of course my adopted sister and one of the best girlfriends a woman could have in Marylou to ensure that my favorite song "My Way" sung by the chairman of the board; Frank Sinatra is played along with my favorite church hymn "Lord, I Will Follow Thee" performed and sung along with a piano tune version I enjoy about Gitmo in Cuba.

But is it normal for someone to even talk about death? To discuss it even? Perhaps I have not dealt well in the past years concerning my parents own passing and realize how much I truly miss them this evening and how isolated and lonely I feel that caused me to break down and sob like such a baby tonight.

I constantly need to have the television or the music going on so I can hear chatter and voices; for I had thought I could handle being alone when my own boyfriend is not even hardly here, nor anyone else for that matter. But in reality I know I can not handle the loneliness and of course my dogs presence really doesn't provide that stimulation I need when there could be someone here at home with me. I lack in confidence and self-esteem right now....of that I am certain and where I may be charismatic in certain circles, however, I am so uncomfortable going anywhere by myself. Tonight for example I could have gone to Club 9 in Ferndale where there is a large gathering contingent of Latino Americans from within the LGBT community and its allies and yet I did not go cause I have no one to go with me.

Personally, I fight and have been struggling with not going to and of course attending church on Sunday mornings because I go there alone and it bothers me to the nines even though I bury it deep within the hidden chambers of bosom and soul and never bring it up because I had figured why even bother because no one would care, right? Yeah..go figure! 

I should not be lacking at self-confidence because even with the rhino nose job I still lack confidence and Bill, bless his sweet golden heart continues to assure me that I am beautiful, and should not have concerns. But, the issue and struggle I have is that I do struggle with the lack of confidence, self-esteem and acceptance.

Sometimes, I feel that I do not want to die because I still feel I have work yet to do in my life and lives of those whose hearts I could penetrate and impact for the good. But, there are times which I feel I may never have the blessings of finishish my work.

I have had many close and dear friends drop and die under many different circumstances with the only relatives close to me that had passed onto the other side of the curtain sort of speak have been both my mother and father. I still find it odd however and now witnessing through media the deaths of three people I grew up enjoying especially that of Michael Jackson whose age was 50 such as mine and having grown up with him never ever meeting the man, both listening to and enjoying his work. Like him on the dance floor I too wanted to dance and I accomplished in obtaining such talent and those that know my dancing abilities could attest that I had picked up the skill of free-style dancing without professional instructions the very moves of both Elvis and Michael.

I lately have spoken with both my therapist and with Bill about what sort of success I wish to be. But, feel that some aspects of my past would hinder me with obstacles and hurdles along the way. I wish to empower people with potential to be the best in whom and what they can become. My recent failures this past semester at college has me down because I know I am better then that those grades I received and I can be more of a successful student, for I know better than that.

I know that I have changed a lot not just only in appearance and and journeyed where many folks would not reinvent nor transition their respective lives could not possibly have phantom for themselves regarding my transformation along with those that can be their respective true selves. However, I see myself in the mirror and seems now that I know longer see that "man in the mirror" that I once had to be cause I had no choice in the matter, but have moved on and have grown in ways that I know I can never return because such as an old friend pointed out to me: "You have reached a point of no return"! Have I really? C'mon, did I really have to go there? 

So where do I go from here in my planning with prayer, hopes and wishes for a great and awesome life, a better sister, friend and woman of stature and substance? It is life from where I see it. I am not stuck or stagnant in some wave as some of my friends are in their respective journey in reinventing. I truly wish to help them and empower as I can, but a number of them are stuck in their issues with struggles within areas of their respective personal lives and I mean not to knock them down. I wish none ill, but may they reach wherever point they seem happiest and fulfilled.

When reinventing oneself and under such persuasion a person ought to grasp the fact that one is never done with that journey. However, to each and everyone of them who has their own reasoning and perspective as to what they feel is complete and that they have arrived where they sit on the peaks can rest from their own journeys.

Myself, I am at the dawn of a new chapter in life. I am at the very dawn of new beginnings. The next pages of a new chapter are beginning to be written and with the pages of my past though history as it spells out to me on how extreme and eccentric I myself can surely be. 


Life itself is never and has never been fair to anyone person. We either just have to take the bull by the horns and steer them where we may in order to reach the plateaus of life or just sit on the bench warming it up and somewhere wondering which chocolate did we actually pull out of life's box.

I am a proud woman in spite of the pain, toils, labors and struggles which I had endure and no doubt continue to endure to the end with none much further far to go feel now that I have placed behind my status of a journey of reinvention which does not make me any less than the next person and yet an ally that will fight for the right of what is true, fair and just.

On this late evening and early morning I wish you good a good night and good luck!

~ Jennifer Elisabeth
--
"The transition is the struggle, but the journey in itself remains the calming eye within the storms of life."

~ Jennifer Elisabeth Mendez

Quick Note: June 24, 2009

Interesting...Just Wonderfully Interestingly Accepting!


Someday I will get into wearing this swimsuit, but first I have to beat my boyfriend and his challenge to me of dropping 50 lbs in a most healthy means and as for him; he is under the condition too for his own health, but with a lovely twist for encouragement: For every 10 pounds dropped and dress sizes of course he purchases for me a new addition to my wardrobe including some sexy accessories! Not bad, not bad at all ::smirk::

However.........

In the days to come there will be some blogs from which I will unload and share with ya's in updating you as to "Where in the World is Jennifer Elisabeth"? But, brace yourselves, cause I am writing true feelings and thoughts! Love to all on this wonderful blessed day :-)

Jennifer Elisabeth,
24 June 2009

A Chillin' June 2009 of Ups and Downs!!

I was sitting in my math class the other evening waiting to tackle a test that deeply down underneath I wasn’t prepared for let alone understood the mechanics of such formulas. Ok, so I am a bad scientist and would not make Uncle Albert Einstein’s grade book, but all in all I literally suck at math. Ok, another thing with which I came out of the academic closet and never have been my favorite subject in academics, period, but at my adult age it is my responsibility and none else’s, but that does not negate the fact I can not blame two ridiculous goon for teachers from my grade school and high school years that had totally insulted and embarrassed the caca out of me back than enough to soften whatever amount of thin skin I had at the time and make a dash for the door and run entirely away from the subject of math altogether which is what I did emotionally and intellectually while enforcing myself to go through the motions and faking it much of the time since than because I zoned out.

As I sat there in class I felt like a young school girl daydreaming the time away and I could not wait for the time to run any faster as to get out of that class room and head for home, but first I wanted to make a detour and stop by the river to clear my head and do some reflective soul searching. The water has always been such a calming effect upon my soul and it’s no wonder why I miss the ocean shore of the Atlantic with its current coming upon the sandy shores of my hometown of Miami touching me with its cool and warm moisture waters nestled between my toes and feet as I walk. But for now I settle for the cool and warm breezy mists and currents of the Detroit River mental breaks.

I was thinking more intensely about my life, the loves of my life, my interests and what brings me joy and happiness while the triggers in my life loves to assault me. My job is now on a holding pattern and it’s really beginning to weigh me down again, but all I can do is I do my part and leave the rest to the Big Man upstairs. I am at a crossroads as to where to reside at the end of this year especially come January when my lease is up whether to remain at my present location, head out to western Michigan or head down for Florida.

I know that I have a great future ahead if I were to embrace it because the cards are now getting more stacked in my favor for a change, but it’s the job that has me down in a quarry to speak off with its background checks and clearance I have to work through. I tell you this organization is tough alright. It is testing my thick skin I have gained over the many years and my patience. Patience? Yeah, right...What is that, anyhow?

I have to contend with what is coming down the pike within the next few months. I want to move forward and make a splash in a way I never though possible as I both restart my business and begin work for this other organization once the hurdles are cleared out of the way.

There are a lot of possibilities and with possibilities’ get going and a getting as they say which altogether is very important as one finds herself in life with directions to which to choose in her respective travels of life.

My depression is at a loss but my numbness remains at a low right now even after what my former old church of 30 years had done to me due to ignorance on their part, but Lord forgive them for they know what they did. But, as a nice friend embarked to me: it’s their loss and our church’s gain. Well, I have some peace with regards to that because I thought I would have missed my old church but the matter of truth is that I do not exception for a certain aspect of the church and its tenants. Other than that I am fine and will do ok with out that church because I belong to one now with whom has totally embraced me and encircled me with the arms of their love and that of the Big Man’s love at best.

When I look back in my last four to six years I can honestly say I do not feel as depressed now as I had prior 2006 when all I felt was unwritten guilt, shame and hatefulness towards myself and bitterness for the way life had thrown an unbalanced deck of cards. But, I am a lot happier now and more at peace with all that I am, even though my physical body still needs more improvement and spiritually I am growing again while emotionally I am healthier with a healthier outlook on life.

I have reached an area of life that I know I am at peace and at oneness with my true sense of self and no on e can take that from me unless I let them and that isn’t going to happen anytime soon. Thank heavens!

I no longer feel such a levy of guilt for the dissolvent of my former marriage and I really feel good that it’s over and that my ex-spouse went on with life. For a while there I felt the bounty of heaviness upon my shoulders with such guilt and shame for it dissolving, but, in reality I am so glad the monkey is of my back, thanks goodness. I know it wasn’t all me and I was not there fore going to take the heaviness of the load of its failure, but if it success warranted such success it’s because we both walked away from the marriage with experience and lessons of life and that we both are grateful we can take with us as we press forward.

I really don’t miss my ex-spouse in the lease bit and perhaps I do miss the friendship itself more than anything else, but the marital aspects of the relationship I no longer miss and perhaps never did actually. I hope we can remain friends after all that has transpired and be uplifted as such and, not a drain upon the other as we had been prior to the divorce.

I have gained and sustained some wonderful and important friendships in my life for which I am sincerely grateful. Bill has been such a God sent to me with his faith, confidence and inspiration he provides within me and you have been my hero and a protector to me in ways I could never fond the means to ever repay and with Bobbie with whom even from a distance far away has been there for me through some of the darkest clouds of my life when the going got rough she had been for me. I thank you both eternally for everything.

Both Marylou and Jilly have also been God sent even from before I started my journey and I would had that they are the only friends of all that were original back than that have stuck it through with me through thick and thin and I am so grateful for two I have the honor of addressing as my own blood related sisters. I sincerely and warmly thank you for being in my life and being there for me and I mean the four of you. Believe me; you have made such a difference!

The rough and bumpy roads ahead I am certain I shall pull through as I press forward in life and where the good Lord leads me towards. I expect it shall be a life full of rainbow colors for as some have said that even though all the ups and downs my life hasn’t been anything less than a rainbow of colors.

With this school semester coming to an end I can take a breather and jump start my business more effectively and which I now already have four new bookings for two talents and have a possibility of three locations for three business machines. So cool! Well, it’s a start anyhow and I have every confidence it will grow. I also have to update Bills business website with more content and set him up with some seminars. Why not I ask? The man is brilliant. He should have been running GM because they would not find themselves in the predicament they find themselves now and my late uncle Philippe would have loved him, too!

Marylou and I are setting to go out tonight and have a mini girl’s night out. We both have to be up early on Sunday anyhow, but we get together every two to three weekends and perhaps we can drag Jilly to come with us. I also have a to do my online school class work to finish out the semester for this one class in particular but am alright with that one. Can you tell I am smiling?

But, one thing is certain and that is that I have to continue tossing a lot of my old past out. Holy panty-liner cat-woman, do I ever have stuff that needs reviewing, filing, packing away and also tossing, but I shall prevail nonetheless.

I am not certain I will make Michigan Pride this weekend, I have just to much to do, if anything that moving out here to my pad has taught me since January has been that I had to place emphasis on my priorities and watch my pennies and am grateful I have been such. However, Bill took me out to eat at Famous Dave’s for dinner last night and we both found a place that is all accepting and even the food and service is as great.

Well, I will catch up with you again soon and will make it a practice to check in and update you more frequently.

Thanks for stopping in, reading and visiting!

Love to all, Jennifer Elisabeth