I was sitting in my math class the other evening waiting to tackle a test that deeply down underneath I wasn’t prepared for let alone understood the mechanics of such formulas. Ok, so I am a bad scientist and would not make Uncle Albert Einstein’s grade book, but all in all I literally suck at math. Ok, another thing with which I came out of the academic closet and never have been my favorite subject in academics, period, but at my adult age it is my responsibility and none else’s, but that does not negate the fact I can not blame two ridiculous goon for teachers from my grade school and high school years that had totally insulted and embarrassed the caca out of me back than enough to soften whatever amount of thin skin I had at the time and make a dash for the door and run entirely away from the subject of math altogether which is what I did emotionally and intellectually while enforcing myself to go through the motions and faking it much of the time since than because I zoned out.
As I sat there in class I felt like a young school girl daydreaming the time away and I could not wait for the time to run any faster as to get out of that class room and head for home, but first I wanted to make a detour and stop by the river to clear my head and do some reflective soul searching. The water has always been such a calming effect upon my soul and it’s no wonder why I miss the ocean shore of the Atlantic with its current coming upon the sandy shores of my hometown of Miami touching me with its cool and warm moisture waters nestled between my toes and feet as I walk. But for now I settle for the cool and warm breezy mists and currents of the Detroit River mental breaks.
I was thinking more intensely about my life, the loves of my life, my interests and what brings me joy and happiness while the triggers in my life loves to assault me. My job is now on a holding pattern and it’s really beginning to weigh me down again, but all I can do is I do my part and leave the rest to the Big Man upstairs. I am at a crossroads as to where to reside at the end of this year especially come January when my lease is up whether to remain at my present location, head out to western Michigan or head down for Florida.
I know that I have a great future ahead if I were to embrace it because the cards are now getting more stacked in my favor for a change, but it’s the job that has me down in a quarry to speak off with its background checks and clearance I have to work through. I tell you this organization is tough alright. It is testing my thick skin I have gained over the many years and my patience. Patience? Yeah, right...What is that, anyhow?
I have to contend with what is coming down the pike within the next few months. I want to move forward and make a splash in a way I never though possible as I both restart my business and begin work for this other organization once the hurdles are cleared out of the way.
There are a lot of possibilities and with possibilities’ get going and a getting as they say which altogether is very important as one finds herself in life with directions to which to choose in her respective travels of life.
My depression is at a loss but my numbness remains at a low right now even after what my former old church of 30 years had done to me due to ignorance on their part, but Lord forgive them for they know what they did. But, as a nice friend embarked to me: it’s their loss and our church’s gain. Well, I have some peace with regards to that because I thought I would have missed my old church but the matter of truth is that I do not exception for a certain aspect of the church and its tenants. Other than that I am fine and will do ok with out that church because I belong to one now with whom has totally embraced me and encircled me with the arms of their love and that of the Big Man’s love at best.
When I look back in my last four to six years I can honestly say I do not feel as depressed now as I had prior 2006 when all I felt was unwritten guilt, shame and hatefulness towards myself and bitterness for the way life had thrown an unbalanced deck of cards. But, I am a lot happier now and more at peace with all that I am, even though my physical body still needs more improvement and spiritually I am growing again while emotionally I am healthier with a healthier outlook on life.
I have reached an area of life that I know I am at peace and at oneness with my true sense of self and no on e can take that from me unless I let them and that isn’t going to happen anytime soon. Thank heavens!
I no longer feel such a levy of guilt for the dissolvent of my former marriage and I really feel good that it’s over and that my ex-spouse went on with life. For a while there I felt the bounty of heaviness upon my shoulders with such guilt and shame for it dissolving, but, in reality I am so glad the monkey is of my back, thanks goodness. I know it wasn’t all me and I was not there fore going to take the heaviness of the load of its failure, but if it success warranted such success it’s because we both walked away from the marriage with experience and lessons of life and that we both are grateful we can take with us as we press forward.
I really don’t miss my ex-spouse in the lease bit and perhaps I do miss the friendship itself more than anything else, but the marital aspects of the relationship I no longer miss and perhaps never did actually. I hope we can remain friends after all that has transpired and be uplifted as such and, not a drain upon the other as we had been prior to the divorce.
I have gained and sustained some wonderful and important friendships in my life for which I am sincerely grateful. Bill has been such a God sent to me with his faith, confidence and inspiration he provides within me and you have been my hero and a protector to me in ways I could never fond the means to ever repay and with Bobbie with whom even from a distance far away has been there for me through some of the darkest clouds of my life when the going got rough she had been for me. I thank you both eternally for everything.
Both Marylou and Jilly have also been God sent even from before I started my journey and I would had that they are the only friends of all that were original back than that have stuck it through with me through thick and thin and I am so grateful for two I have the honor of addressing as my own blood related sisters. I sincerely and warmly thank you for being in my life and being there for me and I mean the four of you. Believe me; you have made such a difference!
The rough and bumpy roads ahead I am certain I shall pull through as I press forward in life and where the good Lord leads me towards. I expect it shall be a life full of rainbow colors for as some have said that even though all the ups and downs my life hasn’t been anything less than a rainbow of colors.
With this school semester coming to an end I can take a breather and jump start my business more effectively and which I now already have four new bookings for two talents and have a possibility of three locations for three business machines. So cool! Well, it’s a start anyhow and I have every confidence it will grow. I also have to update Bills business website with more content and set him up with some seminars. Why not I ask? The man is brilliant. He should have been running GM because they would not find themselves in the predicament they find themselves now and my late uncle Philippe would have loved him, too!
Marylou and I are setting to go out tonight and have a mini girl’s night out. We both have to be up early on Sunday anyhow, but we get together every two to three weekends and perhaps we can drag Jilly to come with us. I also have a to do my online school class work to finish out the semester for this one class in particular but am alright with that one. Can you tell I am smiling?
But, one thing is certain and that is that I have to continue tossing a lot of my old past out. Holy panty-liner cat-woman, do I ever have stuff that needs reviewing, filing, packing away and also tossing, but I shall prevail nonetheless.
I am not certain I will make Michigan Pride this weekend, I have just to much to do, if anything that moving out here to my pad has taught me since January has been that I had to place emphasis on my priorities and watch my pennies and am grateful I have been such. However, Bill took me out to eat at Famous Dave’s for dinner last night and we both found a place that is all accepting and even the food and service is as great.
Well, I will catch up with you again soon and will make it a practice to check in and update you more frequently.
Thanks for stopping in, reading and visiting!
Love to all, Jennifer Elisabeth
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