Finding the Balance Beam!

I am seating here going through my mind everything that has transpired since I last wrote in this blog.

I am being placed on hold with my HRT program, and I am beginning to get to know myself even more. Fall is fastly approaching abd the summer has basically come and gone like a whirlwind as it has done the last ten years of my life.

So much yet to do before the warm summer days run out and those leafs of autumn come crashing down in full color.

I am working at my transition in gradual steps now, there is no need to push it right now. So, I have chosen to reflect on how I would need to pursue my transition. I donlt need to rush it, I need to take it at how God would have me go through this journey to woman-hood.


More later, ok :-)

Jennifer

Confidence in Traveling with My Expression of Gender

26 May 2005:

Most recently I had undertaken a trip out west and on that trip I had encountered not only some obstacles, but also obstacle free opportunities to express my female gender hood. It was so relaxing to let my hair town and to walk down the sidewalk with heels on and a nice knee length dress. My confidence had enhanced skyward as I got more compliments and have been ma'am and Miss-ed more than anything else. And I think I had passed totally feminine for being ma'am and Miss-ed, otherwise why would people have addressed me as such if I did not make the grade.

I felt very assured and confident of myself cause not one person know me out in that town. Now I can celebrate the fact that I have the courage and confidence to be en femme in public settings and to allow my feminine self to further emerge out of her cocoon.

Now begins the process of taking everyday as my therapist counseled me about the balance act. I regret the fact that at sundry times I have to be the male, but now more than ever I need to be Jenna, but the trick is going to be on how and when she can actually take flight towards total and complete womanhood.

More to come...

Jennifer

The Problem with Trusting Others and Balance

The Problem with Trusting and Balance

In being a transgender Woman and yes you read right, but more importantly as a woman.... I know how emotional I can be at times and know I can be somewhat prissy too. Trusting others have been such an issue that has plagued me personally for sometime and in many ways that it had always fractured my trust and confidence in others. There has been others that have broken my trust, my confidence and it has burned me so deep that when another does the same it is just as added salt on an already open wound.

All of this of course stems from my past and in most recent memory when there has been issues in my personal life that some of those I had trusted had just blabbed out what I had entrusted them with. No wonder I have distanced myself with theses friendships.

Recently a friend of mine could not understand as to why I would lower myself to a weaker vessel gender wise in his eyes when he commented that on a pay scale I would be paid less, and that I would be treated liked a second class citizen. Kind oif shows what environment he became a product of. I had become so appauld at his questions, and his lack of judgment and knowledge in areas he has no idea about, and needed to remind him it was through the womb of a woman, yes a woman, even that of his own mother from which he was born that brought him into the world, and had asked him how could his own mother be a second class citizen...nonsense...there is no way that I myself for having even the yearnings to be a woman am a second class citizen. Horse Caca.

Look, I do not doubt that I am a woman, ok! I know I am such though I have tried so much to deny the very thought, and how dare he insult every single woman on this planet? I know I function as a woman, my mind works like one and my soul breathes as one. I have been dealing with a number of issues in my life namely that of my gender transition, trying to work out a routine where I can live as a woman 24/7 and not loose the shirt of my back sort to speak. I need more balance and I have been working at getting that back. I have been interviewing for employment more in my female gender mode and I guess I would settle for more of a traditional job role for a woman, but is there such a thing anymore? I doubt it!

If I could be more like one of my idols namely that of Suzi Ormon I think I could have it made. I have to admit that the yearning, the need to be, the overwhelming feelings of being a woman 24/7 is getting the best of me. I want to be like any other gal that does her nails, her make up, plays with her hair, and before I bathe...caresses with Caress!

I consider myself a woman of feminine substance. I think there is a difference in the way women have their empowerment and their general make up about life sort to speak. I cannot define it nor do I understand why I feel feminine, why I feel I have this nature to be such a female. I mean I understand that women are women, but in being female the term feminine is something different.

There are girls and women that are tom-boyish and demanding such as men can be, and than there are girls who are not as demanding and are feminine and passive, and than there are those girls and women who are really feminine by nature itself.

So what sort of a gal am I? If I had my choice, I would prefer to be wearing dresses and skirts 24/7 except for what I would wear to bed. Honestly even though I can tolerate the male side of me I cannot stand wearing pants...just do not feel that natural and right in a pair of pants!

Why might one ask of me? Simple...I just feel it distracts from my femininity is all. Oh how I love to bathe in warm bubble baths, just to soak there and relax. I am hitching to go out this weekend, just don't know if I have the energy right now to do it, my energy levels have not been the greatest. I would just love to go dancing and kick my heels up while being lead on the floor by some sweet guy with no strings attached.

But one thing is for sure, I still have to work on my balance and trust issues, cause I realized that I am having just trouble trusting someone for taking advantage of me during last fall. With full toll and thinking about such issues in my life I have to understand that I have to rely more on Gods arm than that of men itself. I have to manage and be careful aboiut my own set of boundaries.

I have to go.... more later!

Jennifer

What am I bitching about? You might ask....

What am I bitching about? You might Ask...

Have been sitting here on my couch appauld with what I have been watching on ABC's PrimeTime Live in a segment about afro-Americans and how the white nationalist racists treats them and aboard these people who also have a living and existing space on this earth.

My logical thought would be this:

What if China were to march on this land along with the Arabs of the middle east and entreated these same self-centered racist bigots in like fashion? My late father had some reasoning once that made sense after I had thought about it: It's as simple as to placing a rapist after having been completely castrated into a cell to become some man's sex toy! Is that perverted or sick? I doubted...but its punishment that fits the crime...How would this rapist endure? How would he deal with it? Would it be fit punishment?

A lot of our world’s woes and its share of chaos sadden me. So many are living in a world of "what about me?" mentality and it is not the safest zone to be in. Our society has become a mayhem of chaos where people are demanding change from others and others do are not meant to even breathe.

I was on a chat tonight with a few of mine transgender sisters and it was so un-bearable for even myself to disclose a lot that is troubling me. See, my own marriage is in troubled waters as it has been and it’s gotten worse and worse over the weeks and months since I had embraced my own femininity.

She still cannot handle seeing me in a dress or even a skirt and that of being a woman, myself. I am not trying to change her into a lesbian, that is not even my place, and a person just does not rearrange someone else’s sexual orientation.

The other area is my lack of income stream at present where it’s getting to me, and its depressing me to the point where I want to end it all. I feel drain emotionally and spiritually too, but it really has nothing to do with myself being transgender, of that I am sure, but that of having my balance cart or wheel shift. It is more like a paradigm (if that is how its spelled) shift where my balance has been shifting more towards being feminine from that of being masculine. I am getting tired so I am going to bed.

More later...

Jennifer

It is no longer a question of...Why Me?..But Why am I a Woman?

For me this is wonderful, for it is a breakthrough at last and it's my first blog of all!

This after all is both a great and nervous time for me, too. I had decided to do a blog to help keep me motivated in my own journaling, but also in an attempt to better express myself as to who I am, and as to why I am the person I am.

In the many previous years there seems to have been much hate and prejudice in the world, so much in the realm of abusive powers and oppression of peoples. Even a lot of finger pointing and bashing of various people who might be different than what is prescribed by society under so-called and ill-defined double talk practices which is geared and mostly driven by men themselves, and not women, under a patriarchy societal set of standards which would describe me and call someone as myself as being perverted or of ill-minded.

Seems like everyone, but not just everyone...and these people know who they are which seems sadden me cause they love to be the armchair critics of live in general.

Too many people are and have been sticking their noses where it really should not belong, and too many of course have been wasting their time with such issues that will not go away, curl up like a ball and roll and die! Which will remain forever lodged in the forefront of the world.

Who am I?

Well I am a lot like the postal carrier who delivers your mail, I am a lot like the waitperson who serves your meals at a diner, and I am a lot like the person taking your dry cleaning order, I am also like the cocktail server at some pub.

Inwardly I am a lot like the spouse who minds her home, the school mom that wants to ensure the children are safe from wackos and perverts out in society, the nurse who cares about your blood pressure, and one who cares about the well-being of others.

Who am I?

I could also be the one seating next to you in a pew at church worshipping and praying right along with you and dropping a tear of joy in feeling the spirit.

I am also the student next to you in class, and I am also the one in front or behind you in line at the grocery store cash out lane or just waiting my turn to vote.

Who and what am I?

I am child of God, I am also a Son of God who accepts his male side and whose also emerging from a cocoon in which is to fly as a feminine butterfly in being actually who I am as both a mle and female and in merging both of them together.

Oh Yes! You read right...to emerge into the woman of which rightfully I can both be and become, and belong.

I am a living testimony of Gods creation, change, and of transformation. His miracle of helping me to better understand myself, who I really am after all, and to better understand the creation of both man and woman.

I am not just only a son, but am also a daughter. For some that is both heavy and deep stuff and makes one wonder if I have flipped my lid. But I can assure you I have not flown over the cuckoo’s nest!

But for some that do not understand, and others that do is this:


Well, how can I make this any clearer for you? The reader...

You see, I am a woman who had accepted through many hours, tears, pain and years in pleading with my maker and creator through prayer, counsel, scripture study, worshipping, serving others, fastings, and many anointed blessings with regards to my gender and standing as to who I am in Gods presence and in my transgender emergence.

Who am I?

I am like many of you who had tried so ruthlessly, tirelessly, and so unceasingly to run away, to purge myself from, and do everything possible under the heavens to shield myself from my feminine gender.

I had always been denying myself the very woman I now know I am and of which I came to better understand through the many months and years starting when I was a little child cross-dressing which had emerged into the reality of being diagnosed with gender dysphoria and running away from its reality for fear of being ridiculed, suffering bashings, being labeled as a faggot, sissy and other not so kind terms from which I had incurred.

Who am I?

Along with hatefulness for various reasons others may not understand, and for other reasons such as having nothing better to do with their time spewing their negative energies on various transgender women such as myself.

I am not ashamed of expressing the fact that I a transgender woman who happens to be a Christian herself, and one who has not undergone sexual reassignment surgery.

But that alone is not the focus of this blog, what matters is that I am alive, I am a child of God, I am a cross dresser, even at best a transgender woman who finally is not ashamed of who she expresses herself to be and can become.

Thanks for reading, and here's to the edification of Women hood.

Jennifer Mendez