The Problem with Trusting and Balance
In being a transgender Woman and yes you read right, but more importantly as a woman.... I know how emotional I can be at times and know I can be somewhat prissy too. Trusting others have been such an issue that has plagued me personally for sometime and in many ways that it had always fractured my trust and confidence in others. There has been others that have broken my trust, my confidence and it has burned me so deep that when another does the same it is just as added salt on an already open wound.
All of this of course stems from my past and in most recent memory when there has been issues in my personal life that some of those I had trusted had just blabbed out what I had entrusted them with. No wonder I have distanced myself with theses friendships.
Recently a friend of mine could not understand as to why I would lower myself to a weaker vessel gender wise in his eyes when he commented that on a pay scale I would be paid less, and that I would be treated liked a second class citizen. Kind oif shows what environment he became a product of. I had become so appauld at his questions, and his lack of judgment and knowledge in areas he has no idea about, and needed to remind him it was through the womb of a woman, yes a woman, even that of his own mother from which he was born that brought him into the world, and had asked him how could his own mother be a second class citizen...nonsense...there is no way that I myself for having even the yearnings to be a woman am a second class citizen. Horse Caca.
Look, I do not doubt that I am a woman, ok! I know I am such though I have tried so much to deny the very thought, and how dare he insult every single woman on this planet? I know I function as a woman, my mind works like one and my soul breathes as one. I have been dealing with a number of issues in my life namely that of my gender transition, trying to work out a routine where I can live as a woman 24/7 and not loose the shirt of my back sort to speak. I need more balance and I have been working at getting that back. I have been interviewing for employment more in my female gender mode and I guess I would settle for more of a traditional job role for a woman, but is there such a thing anymore? I doubt it!
If I could be more like one of my idols namely that of Suzi Ormon I think I could have it made. I have to admit that the yearning, the need to be, the overwhelming feelings of being a woman 24/7 is getting the best of me. I want to be like any other gal that does her nails, her make up, plays with her hair, and before I bathe...caresses with Caress!
Look, I do not doubt that I am a woman, ok! I know I am such though I have tried so much to deny the very thought, and how dare he insult every single woman on this planet? I know I function as a woman, my mind works like one and my soul breathes as one. I have been dealing with a number of issues in my life namely that of my gender transition, trying to work out a routine where I can live as a woman 24/7 and not loose the shirt of my back sort to speak. I need more balance and I have been working at getting that back. I have been interviewing for employment more in my female gender mode and I guess I would settle for more of a traditional job role for a woman, but is there such a thing anymore? I doubt it!
If I could be more like one of my idols namely that of Suzi Ormon I think I could have it made. I have to admit that the yearning, the need to be, the overwhelming feelings of being a woman 24/7 is getting the best of me. I want to be like any other gal that does her nails, her make up, plays with her hair, and before I bathe...caresses with Caress!
I consider myself a woman of feminine substance. I think there is a difference in the way women have their empowerment and their general make up about life sort to speak. I cannot define it nor do I understand why I feel feminine, why I feel I have this nature to be such a female. I mean I understand that women are women, but in being female the term feminine is something different.
There are girls and women that are tom-boyish and demanding such as men can be, and than there are girls who are not as demanding and are feminine and passive, and than there are those girls and women who are really feminine by nature itself.
So what sort of a gal am I? If I had my choice, I would prefer to be wearing dresses and skirts 24/7 except for what I would wear to bed. Honestly even though I can tolerate the male side of me I cannot stand wearing pants...just do not feel that natural and right in a pair of pants!
Why might one ask of me? Simple...I just feel it distracts from my femininity is all. Oh how I love to bathe in warm bubble baths, just to soak there and relax. I am hitching to go out this weekend, just don't know if I have the energy right now to do it, my energy levels have not been the greatest. I would just love to go dancing and kick my heels up while being lead on the floor by some sweet guy with no strings attached.
But one thing is for sure, I still have to work on my balance and trust issues, cause I realized that I am having just trouble trusting someone for taking advantage of me during last fall. With full toll and thinking about such issues in my life I have to understand that I have to rely more on Gods arm than that of men itself. I have to manage and be careful aboiut my own set of boundaries.
I have to go.... more later!
Jennifer
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