Gone But Not Forgotten 2011 | Billboard.com

And now... some of the most recognizable figures gone-but-not-forgotten-music-stars in entertainment and business superstars-we-lost-lost along the way in 2011. ~JET

Gone But Not Forgotten 2011 | Billboard.com

Gone But Not Forgotten 2011 | Billboard.com

The best-pictures-of-2011. Photographers come and go, but it takes a very talented and gifted photographer to bring out the details in best & worst dressed in telling the story in pictures. Do you have what it takes? ~JET

Gone But Not Forgotten 2011 | Billboard.com

Getting beyond the Pain of 2011

December 29, 2011:

Had awaken this morning to a sense of winter wonderment without the heavy snow that perhaps by this time now we should have had in this area of Rochester- Detroit which all in all had covered me with warmth as I laid under the covers. Yes the very warmth of three comforters.

This morning however just like last night could still feel the snap of coldness upon arising from my bed as I begin to look back at 2011 and the events of my life and its circumstances in which I can honestly say that I am very glad 2011 is going away. There have been so much pain within me, but all in all I have had a sense of growth and development.

Just nearly three weeks ago I could have “checked out” and I did not do so thanks to some pretty worthwhile friends and members of my church that came rallying with love and prayers. I had spent the better part of these last four weeks surrounded by both friends and love.

Been pondering and reflecting over my life in which areas of my life I have earnestly paid attention to and which areas have I aborted that held me down. I am realizing that year “2012” will have to be such a year that shall be so relentless in grabbing it by the horns and create success and development is such a way that it will allow me to reach some worthwhile goals and objectives for the year.

I have been reflecting back at the last twenty years all the way back to that first date with Mary Jeanne in January 1990 and the impact she had in my life than. No matter what I had tried these last four weeks has been something where flashbacks of my relationship and marriage to Mary Jeanne had continued to pop into my mind warranted or not. I have thought about the infamy of a divorce that really did not have to occur. In the means of how the marriage came to an abrupt ending and how it brought the breaks on in the heavy sighs of a divorce settlement was draining emotionally enough for both her and I.

The death of a marriage as I came to understand is not always a fresh beginning unless it was a very abusive and unsatisfying marriage. Mine and Mary Jeanne’s were far from abusive and unsatisfying. For the marriage had in itself growth periods with its ups and downs.  A marriage ought to have intimacy; it ought to be a relationship of love and honor but most importantly like any arrangement there is a need to treat a marriage like a business of sorts such as life itself pending the interpretation of any person who continues to run its course in a business mindset with everyday details and its accomplishments.

Neither MJ nor I regretted at the time as we looked back during that year of 2008 and sailed onto the counsel chambers of a judge in Oakland County. As much as it did hurt the both of us to look back at those twenty years as “stages of learning, growth and development” had empowered us in a way to grow-up and of course as painfully as it had to be done; we did grow up. She changed a lot and so did I. It was not to a pint where we did not recognize one another but in an essence where she began to look trimmer, healthier and beamed more happiness. She loved her new surroundings in Birmingham, Michigan and would not waste a minute to feel me in on it.

It was fine for her as it was for me but for me it was nerve-wrecking to be alone again after 18 years of marriage. I have always believed in a forever marriage but choices I have made kind of put a road block in that for this life’s sojourn between her and me. I need to respect her free agency, her wishes with regards to separating. But I still lay hold on the premise that her mother and family had a lot to do with our break-up.

However, contrary to the whims, pandering and pleadings of others we remained pretty close over the last three years of her life. We were tight and we always understood what we knew as “the big picture.”

It always bothered the naysayer especially various members whom are former friends and of my former church of membership who did not agree nor liked my life choices to save my own life. They would prefer to see me in the grave than for myself to be whom and what I am to save my life after five attempts of checking out. Somehow and in some way I knew I had to embrace and make peace with what I refer to both a blessing and a curse. These former associates of mine continue to be so ignorant in their respective skin that for the most part these various Mormons are literally full of themselves. I do not disdain nor dislike the Mormon faith for it has been part of my spiritual make-up for some thirty years, and still agree with many of its tenets and principles, but what does rip at me is their respective ignorance, double-standards and discrimination with regards to the embodiment of Christ-like love and compassion.

My plans for early year 2012 are to:

1.)    Move south of the M-59 marker where there is more traffic within the circles and doings of my life.

2.)    Work shall be a mainstay and dealt more with a ruthless aggression mindset. I want to ensure that work is a ruling principle in my life. I want to live and breathe success at every turn spiritually, financially and physically. The emotional, social and mental mindset and development shall continue to enhance and develop.

3.)    I want to ensure that my book is ready for publication comes fall of 2012.

4.)    To rid myself of the stinkin’ thinking that I have carried for sometime.  

5.)    In a healthy way drop my weight down 70 pounds by not risking or hampering my life.

6.)    Live life in such a way and manner that it is to be who I am and not to the image of others. To be able to afford material goods that is right in price, but will not break the bank. To be able to purchase a nice car when it warrants it not beforehand just for appearance sake.

7.)    To further learn and grow by attending workshops, training classes and seminars to sharpen the saw.

8.)    Concentrate on my business endeavors and focus on passive income streams.

9.)    Eliminate or dampen my ego issues by being more humble and finding my inner spiritual voice.

These are starters to begin with and I am certain there shall be room for realignment here and there.

There was so much that Mary Jeanne and I wanted to accomplish not just together but separately, too. I would like for her legacy and memory to live on and I have started measures to do such. Some of which will become more relevant as time moves on. I am healing and it’s getting better. The pain is subsiding but I know I have got to give it time. I need not to bottle it inside for it would hurt me.  

Life continues and life moves on. One must push their shoulder to the wheel sort of speak. And I am not any exception. I carry my own cross that the Lord of my life had placed upon me, but I know as I walk forward that I will need to seek Him more.

Thank you for reading and have a blessed and prosperous 2012 ahead!

Be well,

Jennifer Elisabeth (JET)

Why I couldn't sleep and paced the floor with tears this night!

I had felt the need to write some stuff and not take way too long cause there is no need for that right now if I am making sense.

I started two days ago with the medication prescribed to me called "vyvanse" and I feel that it has been settling into my system though I feel so exhausted and whipped out like no energy levels nor do I want anything to do right now.

I have been relaxing and reading through some material while holding back emotional tears cause I feel like I had slept and awaken back in 1977 when my favorite idol passed away at age 42 and how I had cried and sobbed like a high school girl over Elvis Presley's death.


Personally however, I know life moves forward and so continues the very essence of the business of life. But, being 50 years of age myself I am beginning to think how well prepared I would be when my number is called by the counsels of heaven sort to speak. The question is if I shall have all my ducks in a row? I guess, like some folks, I too, am scared of dying even though I never had such fear some ten years ago.

Was talking to someone earlier tonight and I am wondering what triggered the sort of conversation that I found myself in and not to so pleasant. However, after asking me what I felt about funerals I made it a point to express to him that I would want for both my boyfriend and companion Bill and of course my adopted sister and one of the best girlfriends a woman could have in Marylou to ensure that my favorite song "My Way" sung by the chairman of the board; Frank Sinatra is played along with my favorite church hymn "Lord, I Will Follow Thee" performed and sung along with a piano tune version I enjoy about Gitmo in Cuba.

But is it normal for someone to even talk about death? To discuss it even? Perhaps I have not dealt well in the past years concerning my parents own passing and realize how much I truly miss them this evening and how isolated and lonely I feel that caused me to break down and sob like such a baby tonight.

I constantly need to have the television or the music going on so I can hear chatter and voices; for I had thought I could handle being alone when my own boyfriend is not even hardly here, nor anyone else for that matter. But in reality I know I can not handle the loneliness and of course my dogs presence really doesn't provide that stimulation I need when there could be someone here at home with me. I lack in confidence and self-esteem right now....of that I am certain and where I may be charismatic in certain circles, however, I am so uncomfortable going anywhere by myself. Tonight for example I could have gone to Club 9 in Ferndale where there is a large gathering contingent of Latino Americans from within the LGBT community and its allies and yet I did not go cause I have no one to go with me.

Personally, I fight and have been struggling with not going to and of course attending church on Sunday mornings because I go there alone and it bothers me to the nines even though I bury it deep within the hidden chambers of bosom and soul and never bring it up because I had figured why even bother because no one would care, right? Yeah..go figure! 

I should not be lacking at self-confidence because even with the rhino nose job I still lack confidence and Bill, bless his sweet golden heart continues to assure me that I am beautiful, and should not have concerns. But, the issue and struggle I have is that I do struggle with the lack of confidence, self-esteem and acceptance.

Sometimes, I feel that I do not want to die because I still feel I have work yet to do in my life and lives of those whose hearts I could penetrate and impact for the good. But, there are times which I feel I may never have the blessings of finishish my work.

I have had many close and dear friends drop and die under many different circumstances with the only relatives close to me that had passed onto the other side of the curtain sort of speak have been both my mother and father. I still find it odd however and now witnessing through media the deaths of three people I grew up enjoying especially that of Michael Jackson whose age was 50 such as mine and having grown up with him never ever meeting the man, both listening to and enjoying his work. Like him on the dance floor I too wanted to dance and I accomplished in obtaining such talent and those that know my dancing abilities could attest that I had picked up the skill of free-style dancing without professional instructions the very moves of both Elvis and Michael.

I lately have spoken with both my therapist and with Bill about what sort of success I wish to be. But, feel that some aspects of my past would hinder me with obstacles and hurdles along the way. I wish to empower people with potential to be the best in whom and what they can become. My recent failures this past semester at college has me down because I know I am better then that those grades I received and I can be more of a successful student, for I know better than that.

I know that I have changed a lot not just only in appearance and and journeyed where many folks would not reinvent nor transition their respective lives could not possibly have phantom for themselves regarding my transformation along with those that can be their respective true selves. However, I see myself in the mirror and seems now that I know longer see that "man in the mirror" that I once had to be cause I had no choice in the matter, but have moved on and have grown in ways that I know I can never return because such as an old friend pointed out to me: "You have reached a point of no return"! Have I really? C'mon, did I really have to go there? 

So where do I go from here in my planning with prayer, hopes and wishes for a great and awesome life, a better sister, friend and woman of stature and substance? It is life from where I see it. I am not stuck or stagnant in some wave as some of my friends are in their respective journey in reinventing. I truly wish to help them and empower as I can, but a number of them are stuck in their issues with struggles within areas of their respective personal lives and I mean not to knock them down. I wish none ill, but may they reach wherever point they seem happiest and fulfilled.

When reinventing oneself and under such persuasion a person ought to grasp the fact that one is never done with that journey. However, to each and everyone of them who has their own reasoning and perspective as to what they feel is complete and that they have arrived where they sit on the peaks can rest from their own journeys.

Myself, I am at the dawn of a new chapter in life. I am at the very dawn of new beginnings. The next pages of a new chapter are beginning to be written and with the pages of my past though history as it spells out to me on how extreme and eccentric I myself can surely be. 


Life itself is never and has never been fair to anyone person. We either just have to take the bull by the horns and steer them where we may in order to reach the plateaus of life or just sit on the bench warming it up and somewhere wondering which chocolate did we actually pull out of life's box.

I am a proud woman in spite of the pain, toils, labors and struggles which I had endure and no doubt continue to endure to the end with none much further far to go feel now that I have placed behind my status of a journey of reinvention which does not make me any less than the next person and yet an ally that will fight for the right of what is true, fair and just.

On this late evening and early morning I wish you good a good night and good luck!

~ Jennifer Elisabeth
--
"The transition is the struggle, but the journey in itself remains the calming eye within the storms of life."

~ Jennifer Elisabeth Mendez

Quick Note: June 24, 2009

Interesting...Just Wonderfully Interestingly Accepting!


Someday I will get into wearing this swimsuit, but first I have to beat my boyfriend and his challenge to me of dropping 50 lbs in a most healthy means and as for him; he is under the condition too for his own health, but with a lovely twist for encouragement: For every 10 pounds dropped and dress sizes of course he purchases for me a new addition to my wardrobe including some sexy accessories! Not bad, not bad at all ::smirk::

However.........

In the days to come there will be some blogs from which I will unload and share with ya's in updating you as to "Where in the World is Jennifer Elisabeth"? But, brace yourselves, cause I am writing true feelings and thoughts! Love to all on this wonderful blessed day :-)

Jennifer Elisabeth,
24 June 2009

A Chillin' June 2009 of Ups and Downs!!

I was sitting in my math class the other evening waiting to tackle a test that deeply down underneath I wasn’t prepared for let alone understood the mechanics of such formulas. Ok, so I am a bad scientist and would not make Uncle Albert Einstein’s grade book, but all in all I literally suck at math. Ok, another thing with which I came out of the academic closet and never have been my favorite subject in academics, period, but at my adult age it is my responsibility and none else’s, but that does not negate the fact I can not blame two ridiculous goon for teachers from my grade school and high school years that had totally insulted and embarrassed the caca out of me back than enough to soften whatever amount of thin skin I had at the time and make a dash for the door and run entirely away from the subject of math altogether which is what I did emotionally and intellectually while enforcing myself to go through the motions and faking it much of the time since than because I zoned out.

As I sat there in class I felt like a young school girl daydreaming the time away and I could not wait for the time to run any faster as to get out of that class room and head for home, but first I wanted to make a detour and stop by the river to clear my head and do some reflective soul searching. The water has always been such a calming effect upon my soul and it’s no wonder why I miss the ocean shore of the Atlantic with its current coming upon the sandy shores of my hometown of Miami touching me with its cool and warm moisture waters nestled between my toes and feet as I walk. But for now I settle for the cool and warm breezy mists and currents of the Detroit River mental breaks.

I was thinking more intensely about my life, the loves of my life, my interests and what brings me joy and happiness while the triggers in my life loves to assault me. My job is now on a holding pattern and it’s really beginning to weigh me down again, but all I can do is I do my part and leave the rest to the Big Man upstairs. I am at a crossroads as to where to reside at the end of this year especially come January when my lease is up whether to remain at my present location, head out to western Michigan or head down for Florida.

I know that I have a great future ahead if I were to embrace it because the cards are now getting more stacked in my favor for a change, but it’s the job that has me down in a quarry to speak off with its background checks and clearance I have to work through. I tell you this organization is tough alright. It is testing my thick skin I have gained over the many years and my patience. Patience? Yeah, right...What is that, anyhow?

I have to contend with what is coming down the pike within the next few months. I want to move forward and make a splash in a way I never though possible as I both restart my business and begin work for this other organization once the hurdles are cleared out of the way.

There are a lot of possibilities and with possibilities’ get going and a getting as they say which altogether is very important as one finds herself in life with directions to which to choose in her respective travels of life.

My depression is at a loss but my numbness remains at a low right now even after what my former old church of 30 years had done to me due to ignorance on their part, but Lord forgive them for they know what they did. But, as a nice friend embarked to me: it’s their loss and our church’s gain. Well, I have some peace with regards to that because I thought I would have missed my old church but the matter of truth is that I do not exception for a certain aspect of the church and its tenants. Other than that I am fine and will do ok with out that church because I belong to one now with whom has totally embraced me and encircled me with the arms of their love and that of the Big Man’s love at best.

When I look back in my last four to six years I can honestly say I do not feel as depressed now as I had prior 2006 when all I felt was unwritten guilt, shame and hatefulness towards myself and bitterness for the way life had thrown an unbalanced deck of cards. But, I am a lot happier now and more at peace with all that I am, even though my physical body still needs more improvement and spiritually I am growing again while emotionally I am healthier with a healthier outlook on life.

I have reached an area of life that I know I am at peace and at oneness with my true sense of self and no on e can take that from me unless I let them and that isn’t going to happen anytime soon. Thank heavens!

I no longer feel such a levy of guilt for the dissolvent of my former marriage and I really feel good that it’s over and that my ex-spouse went on with life. For a while there I felt the bounty of heaviness upon my shoulders with such guilt and shame for it dissolving, but, in reality I am so glad the monkey is of my back, thanks goodness. I know it wasn’t all me and I was not there fore going to take the heaviness of the load of its failure, but if it success warranted such success it’s because we both walked away from the marriage with experience and lessons of life and that we both are grateful we can take with us as we press forward.

I really don’t miss my ex-spouse in the lease bit and perhaps I do miss the friendship itself more than anything else, but the marital aspects of the relationship I no longer miss and perhaps never did actually. I hope we can remain friends after all that has transpired and be uplifted as such and, not a drain upon the other as we had been prior to the divorce.

I have gained and sustained some wonderful and important friendships in my life for which I am sincerely grateful. Bill has been such a God sent to me with his faith, confidence and inspiration he provides within me and you have been my hero and a protector to me in ways I could never fond the means to ever repay and with Bobbie with whom even from a distance far away has been there for me through some of the darkest clouds of my life when the going got rough she had been for me. I thank you both eternally for everything.

Both Marylou and Jilly have also been God sent even from before I started my journey and I would had that they are the only friends of all that were original back than that have stuck it through with me through thick and thin and I am so grateful for two I have the honor of addressing as my own blood related sisters. I sincerely and warmly thank you for being in my life and being there for me and I mean the four of you. Believe me; you have made such a difference!

The rough and bumpy roads ahead I am certain I shall pull through as I press forward in life and where the good Lord leads me towards. I expect it shall be a life full of rainbow colors for as some have said that even though all the ups and downs my life hasn’t been anything less than a rainbow of colors.

With this school semester coming to an end I can take a breather and jump start my business more effectively and which I now already have four new bookings for two talents and have a possibility of three locations for three business machines. So cool! Well, it’s a start anyhow and I have every confidence it will grow. I also have to update Bills business website with more content and set him up with some seminars. Why not I ask? The man is brilliant. He should have been running GM because they would not find themselves in the predicament they find themselves now and my late uncle Philippe would have loved him, too!

Marylou and I are setting to go out tonight and have a mini girl’s night out. We both have to be up early on Sunday anyhow, but we get together every two to three weekends and perhaps we can drag Jilly to come with us. I also have a to do my online school class work to finish out the semester for this one class in particular but am alright with that one. Can you tell I am smiling?

But, one thing is certain and that is that I have to continue tossing a lot of my old past out. Holy panty-liner cat-woman, do I ever have stuff that needs reviewing, filing, packing away and also tossing, but I shall prevail nonetheless.

I am not certain I will make Michigan Pride this weekend, I have just to much to do, if anything that moving out here to my pad has taught me since January has been that I had to place emphasis on my priorities and watch my pennies and am grateful I have been such. However, Bill took me out to eat at Famous Dave’s for dinner last night and we both found a place that is all accepting and even the food and service is as great.

Well, I will catch up with you again soon and will make it a practice to check in and update you more frequently.

Thanks for stopping in, reading and visiting!

Love to all, Jennifer Elisabeth

Good Bye 2008 and Hello 2009! .... December 27, 2008

"Long and Winding Road with
Jennifer Elisabeth Mendez"

Had awakened to the sight of sleet and snow gently falling from the sky this morning as I stared out my bedroom room. I could sense the snap of cold weather just by staring at the sleet and snow and started to ponder deeply in reflection to my life, its set of circumstances, what blessings I have such been bestowed with over the many months and the many wonderful days, months and years that lays before me still.

My divorce became a final infamy not so much on why a marriage of some 20 years had to go but for how it had to come to an end. I am not regretful at my former marriage. We both realize that it takes to tangle and it takes two make work it out. But, also came to realize that with all the anger, sadness and such other avenues that come with mourning the loss of a marriage that it is just that….the death of a marriage.

We both o not regret as we look back this year at such emotional, spiritual and developmental growth we had sustained over the year, even the past twenty years of a relationship.
What could have sunken deeply in the oceans of marital existence crashed upon rocky shores instead of just sinking in the depth of some sea? At least we remain friends, and more like sisters contrary to the pleadings of some people.

It had been such an emotional roller coaster ride this past summer of 2008 and none for the farther. It was painful and going through a divorce no matter the circumstance is strained, stressful and emotionally painful. So much can be invested in a relationship and with the investing can come the pain of emotional strain.

Year 2008 ends on good notes for both my ex and myself however as we find ourselves in our respective new residences some 15 miles apart and that is not a bad thing actually; it’s a good thing! Some newly gained friendships, better health, both now we both stand un-employed (but for my ex is more of a change for the better so that moving in another direction within the career track could hopefully become beneficial) in this unpopular economic downturn.

I will be attending a newer campus as I wind up my course work and finally walk that platform in cap and gown not to mention sporting a nice new dress underneath.

The one good thing for me is that I will not have to concern myself with mowing and racking of grass and leafs in the yard just and leave its details to the lawn care people as I dedicate myself to a solid slate of school course work and finalize its accomplishment so I can receive my degree. Though there have been some mix feelings; I am so looking forward to this new life, merge forward and finally achieve some deep rooted goals that I had been wanted to fulfill for some 17 years now.

I do have to admit that I can breathe free and begin to focus clearly now. I am basically all moved in to my new home and am excited about the prospects for the future there. Of course now that the divorce is over I can state more freely on how I felt about the whole divorce case and our former relationship. But, for now I will not comment on the case only suffice to say that my ex had such a numb-nut for an attorney who was so lazy and so unethical that would even allow Willie Cochran to turn over in his grave.

I have not been attending a new church which I complain not about nor do I have to. I like it there and they like me.

My brothers and I are still not talking and have not seen my baby brother since my ex’s mother-in- law’s funeral. I have not spoken by phone with my brother in Florida since the last two to three months. As for my eldest, well that is a totally different but sad story. I am concern he would pass from this life with a heart full of guilt and bitterness. My baby brother I have concern for and worry me not so deeply thank heavens, but am concerned where he will end up down the road of life. And the one in Florida I can not mention much about cause there’s not much to brag about.

I do feel for them and their immature, but bigoted ways. I do wonder how they feel now that we will have our first-African American president at the helm of the nation’s executive branch.

Two evenings ago on Christmas Eve together with my ex-spouse (yes you read right, the ex) went for the traditional Cuban Christmas eve celebrations with all the Cuban food trimmings and entrées at my adopted surrogate sisters home whom herself and family are Cuban and forgoing my church Christmas Eve services. But, I am grateful that I had gone to Maria’s because it did help me to reconnect more to my late mama and papa. And, observing Maria’s mother at the stove mixing those black beans and rice in a cooking pot brought back to me many cherished and beautiful memories of mama’s joy for cooking and feeding her family especially at Christmas time.

Last night on Christmas I went over to my hairstylist’s home for some more Cuban festive food and yummy! We both had a great conversation and am so pleased and happy that people like this can actually accept me for whom and what I am in my womanhood and I ask why do my own brothers and family have to be so lame, blind and dumb about all of these, but nonetheless its their issue and problem, not mine and I am not losing sleep over it any longer. Some wise young man was expressed to me in a group setting that “Even though blood is thicker than water, you can not drink the blood, but you can drink the water”

My friends and adopted family of choice are just that...the water that I drink even though I thirst after “the living water” and that which I do partake of makes me feel just right along with the fact that “friends are the family you choose”

My ex is aware of my boyfriend whom she has met and is very much at ease with whom I have been dating for just a under a year now and wow, could you hear the rumors fly. But, hey, it’s their problem not mine! We have not been in a very serious relationship until now after the divorce, but I am not ashamed. He knows me well enough as if we have known each other a hundred life times. He has treated me with nothing but respect and has helped me get over the mudslide of my brothers and for that I will ever be grateful. He is very special to me and knows that there will always be a portion of my heart that belongs to my ex-spouse.

Spiritually we have both been getting closer to one another and for that I am also grateful. We openly discuss issues and situations so that we both put the breaks on before it gets blown out of proportion and there’s some argument that did not mean to be present and since we have met almost a year ago we have not once had an argument about anything. I am happy about that!

Since he’s a business consultant and coach I am setting out with his help some new and hefty realistic goals that I will need to accomplish. Nah, I am not going to be flying some jet and land on some battle carrier and proclaim some immature message like mission accomplish. But, what I will be setting out towards will be that of getting my body toned and healthier. I know what has to be done, just that I had not had a workout training partner in years.

In my new place we are setting up an exercise area just devoted to sweat and grunt workouts and I do not mean that I am going to build up my body full of muscle, but will tone it and sharpen the saw, shall we say. I can not wait until the spring and summer warm weather comes in 2009 to start biking on the trails and do running again.

Financially, for the first time in such a long time I feel I will be working in some capacity and becoming far more self-reliant than I have ever been. I have this confidence that I have been lacking for so long and I do not want to shut it off. Now, that is a good call as Joe Buck expresses.

Health wise I am doing much better according to the recent lab reports and my doctors’ diagnoses of mine latest tastings. This is such a great thing. Out of shape I am currently, but that will be remedied.
I do plan and will be on target to accomplish many great things come this 2009 and I will pursue them with tact, deliberately and expeditiously.

I will update more lately…….

Here is to a great and prosperous 2009!

~ Jennifer Elisabeth Mendez

Letting my Summer Season go!

It's been a very long time since I had posted anything on blogger and since some of the other blogging sites online are no longer meeting my needs I have therefore going to be concerning myself with this system instead, in hopes that people that are open minded and bright would acknowledge and share their thoughts. There has been a lot of changes to me and some of the things I have been noticing has been the jealousy and immaturity with which I have witnessed over the last three years.

What Come with such territory is how one changes their lives along with the sacrifices one encounters along the way which can actually take its toll.

I am not a victim and yet I make no c claims to being such a prefect being. I , like anyone else have struggled with my own existence and walk along the very shores of life. But, it goes without saying that all people are different and no one being is the very same, not even identical twins. I am experiencing a presidential election season and bringing with it the very winds of change. This past four years has surely brought a lot of change not only to the national political landscape, but to that of my own life's landscape in general.

Jennifer

Working at Catching Up....

It is late and I am running out of energy and must obtained my rest for tomorrow. I will be making a sincere effort of updating and linking together my other various blogs together with this one and others.

Happy Reading dear friends and family of choice!

Warmly,

Jennifer Elisabeth

Finding the Balance Beam!

I am seating here going through my mind everything that has transpired since I last wrote in this blog.

I am being placed on hold with my HRT program, and I am beginning to get to know myself even more. Fall is fastly approaching abd the summer has basically come and gone like a whirlwind as it has done the last ten years of my life.

So much yet to do before the warm summer days run out and those leafs of autumn come crashing down in full color.

I am working at my transition in gradual steps now, there is no need to push it right now. So, I have chosen to reflect on how I would need to pursue my transition. I donlt need to rush it, I need to take it at how God would have me go through this journey to woman-hood.


More later, ok :-)

Jennifer

Confidence in Traveling with My Expression of Gender

26 May 2005:

Most recently I had undertaken a trip out west and on that trip I had encountered not only some obstacles, but also obstacle free opportunities to express my female gender hood. It was so relaxing to let my hair town and to walk down the sidewalk with heels on and a nice knee length dress. My confidence had enhanced skyward as I got more compliments and have been ma'am and Miss-ed more than anything else. And I think I had passed totally feminine for being ma'am and Miss-ed, otherwise why would people have addressed me as such if I did not make the grade.

I felt very assured and confident of myself cause not one person know me out in that town. Now I can celebrate the fact that I have the courage and confidence to be en femme in public settings and to allow my feminine self to further emerge out of her cocoon.

Now begins the process of taking everyday as my therapist counseled me about the balance act. I regret the fact that at sundry times I have to be the male, but now more than ever I need to be Jenna, but the trick is going to be on how and when she can actually take flight towards total and complete womanhood.

More to come...

Jennifer

The Problem with Trusting Others and Balance

The Problem with Trusting and Balance

In being a transgender Woman and yes you read right, but more importantly as a woman.... I know how emotional I can be at times and know I can be somewhat prissy too. Trusting others have been such an issue that has plagued me personally for sometime and in many ways that it had always fractured my trust and confidence in others. There has been others that have broken my trust, my confidence and it has burned me so deep that when another does the same it is just as added salt on an already open wound.

All of this of course stems from my past and in most recent memory when there has been issues in my personal life that some of those I had trusted had just blabbed out what I had entrusted them with. No wonder I have distanced myself with theses friendships.

Recently a friend of mine could not understand as to why I would lower myself to a weaker vessel gender wise in his eyes when he commented that on a pay scale I would be paid less, and that I would be treated liked a second class citizen. Kind oif shows what environment he became a product of. I had become so appauld at his questions, and his lack of judgment and knowledge in areas he has no idea about, and needed to remind him it was through the womb of a woman, yes a woman, even that of his own mother from which he was born that brought him into the world, and had asked him how could his own mother be a second class citizen...nonsense...there is no way that I myself for having even the yearnings to be a woman am a second class citizen. Horse Caca.

Look, I do not doubt that I am a woman, ok! I know I am such though I have tried so much to deny the very thought, and how dare he insult every single woman on this planet? I know I function as a woman, my mind works like one and my soul breathes as one. I have been dealing with a number of issues in my life namely that of my gender transition, trying to work out a routine where I can live as a woman 24/7 and not loose the shirt of my back sort to speak. I need more balance and I have been working at getting that back. I have been interviewing for employment more in my female gender mode and I guess I would settle for more of a traditional job role for a woman, but is there such a thing anymore? I doubt it!

If I could be more like one of my idols namely that of Suzi Ormon I think I could have it made. I have to admit that the yearning, the need to be, the overwhelming feelings of being a woman 24/7 is getting the best of me. I want to be like any other gal that does her nails, her make up, plays with her hair, and before I bathe...caresses with Caress!

I consider myself a woman of feminine substance. I think there is a difference in the way women have their empowerment and their general make up about life sort to speak. I cannot define it nor do I understand why I feel feminine, why I feel I have this nature to be such a female. I mean I understand that women are women, but in being female the term feminine is something different.

There are girls and women that are tom-boyish and demanding such as men can be, and than there are girls who are not as demanding and are feminine and passive, and than there are those girls and women who are really feminine by nature itself.

So what sort of a gal am I? If I had my choice, I would prefer to be wearing dresses and skirts 24/7 except for what I would wear to bed. Honestly even though I can tolerate the male side of me I cannot stand wearing pants...just do not feel that natural and right in a pair of pants!

Why might one ask of me? Simple...I just feel it distracts from my femininity is all. Oh how I love to bathe in warm bubble baths, just to soak there and relax. I am hitching to go out this weekend, just don't know if I have the energy right now to do it, my energy levels have not been the greatest. I would just love to go dancing and kick my heels up while being lead on the floor by some sweet guy with no strings attached.

But one thing is for sure, I still have to work on my balance and trust issues, cause I realized that I am having just trouble trusting someone for taking advantage of me during last fall. With full toll and thinking about such issues in my life I have to understand that I have to rely more on Gods arm than that of men itself. I have to manage and be careful aboiut my own set of boundaries.

I have to go.... more later!

Jennifer

What am I bitching about? You might ask....

What am I bitching about? You might Ask...

Have been sitting here on my couch appauld with what I have been watching on ABC's PrimeTime Live in a segment about afro-Americans and how the white nationalist racists treats them and aboard these people who also have a living and existing space on this earth.

My logical thought would be this:

What if China were to march on this land along with the Arabs of the middle east and entreated these same self-centered racist bigots in like fashion? My late father had some reasoning once that made sense after I had thought about it: It's as simple as to placing a rapist after having been completely castrated into a cell to become some man's sex toy! Is that perverted or sick? I doubted...but its punishment that fits the crime...How would this rapist endure? How would he deal with it? Would it be fit punishment?

A lot of our world’s woes and its share of chaos sadden me. So many are living in a world of "what about me?" mentality and it is not the safest zone to be in. Our society has become a mayhem of chaos where people are demanding change from others and others do are not meant to even breathe.

I was on a chat tonight with a few of mine transgender sisters and it was so un-bearable for even myself to disclose a lot that is troubling me. See, my own marriage is in troubled waters as it has been and it’s gotten worse and worse over the weeks and months since I had embraced my own femininity.

She still cannot handle seeing me in a dress or even a skirt and that of being a woman, myself. I am not trying to change her into a lesbian, that is not even my place, and a person just does not rearrange someone else’s sexual orientation.

The other area is my lack of income stream at present where it’s getting to me, and its depressing me to the point where I want to end it all. I feel drain emotionally and spiritually too, but it really has nothing to do with myself being transgender, of that I am sure, but that of having my balance cart or wheel shift. It is more like a paradigm (if that is how its spelled) shift where my balance has been shifting more towards being feminine from that of being masculine. I am getting tired so I am going to bed.

More later...

Jennifer

It is no longer a question of...Why Me?..But Why am I a Woman?

For me this is wonderful, for it is a breakthrough at last and it's my first blog of all!

This after all is both a great and nervous time for me, too. I had decided to do a blog to help keep me motivated in my own journaling, but also in an attempt to better express myself as to who I am, and as to why I am the person I am.

In the many previous years there seems to have been much hate and prejudice in the world, so much in the realm of abusive powers and oppression of peoples. Even a lot of finger pointing and bashing of various people who might be different than what is prescribed by society under so-called and ill-defined double talk practices which is geared and mostly driven by men themselves, and not women, under a patriarchy societal set of standards which would describe me and call someone as myself as being perverted or of ill-minded.

Seems like everyone, but not just everyone...and these people know who they are which seems sadden me cause they love to be the armchair critics of live in general.

Too many people are and have been sticking their noses where it really should not belong, and too many of course have been wasting their time with such issues that will not go away, curl up like a ball and roll and die! Which will remain forever lodged in the forefront of the world.

Who am I?

Well I am a lot like the postal carrier who delivers your mail, I am a lot like the waitperson who serves your meals at a diner, and I am a lot like the person taking your dry cleaning order, I am also like the cocktail server at some pub.

Inwardly I am a lot like the spouse who minds her home, the school mom that wants to ensure the children are safe from wackos and perverts out in society, the nurse who cares about your blood pressure, and one who cares about the well-being of others.

Who am I?

I could also be the one seating next to you in a pew at church worshipping and praying right along with you and dropping a tear of joy in feeling the spirit.

I am also the student next to you in class, and I am also the one in front or behind you in line at the grocery store cash out lane or just waiting my turn to vote.

Who and what am I?

I am child of God, I am also a Son of God who accepts his male side and whose also emerging from a cocoon in which is to fly as a feminine butterfly in being actually who I am as both a mle and female and in merging both of them together.

Oh Yes! You read right...to emerge into the woman of which rightfully I can both be and become, and belong.

I am a living testimony of Gods creation, change, and of transformation. His miracle of helping me to better understand myself, who I really am after all, and to better understand the creation of both man and woman.

I am not just only a son, but am also a daughter. For some that is both heavy and deep stuff and makes one wonder if I have flipped my lid. But I can assure you I have not flown over the cuckoo’s nest!

But for some that do not understand, and others that do is this:


Well, how can I make this any clearer for you? The reader...

You see, I am a woman who had accepted through many hours, tears, pain and years in pleading with my maker and creator through prayer, counsel, scripture study, worshipping, serving others, fastings, and many anointed blessings with regards to my gender and standing as to who I am in Gods presence and in my transgender emergence.

Who am I?

I am like many of you who had tried so ruthlessly, tirelessly, and so unceasingly to run away, to purge myself from, and do everything possible under the heavens to shield myself from my feminine gender.

I had always been denying myself the very woman I now know I am and of which I came to better understand through the many months and years starting when I was a little child cross-dressing which had emerged into the reality of being diagnosed with gender dysphoria and running away from its reality for fear of being ridiculed, suffering bashings, being labeled as a faggot, sissy and other not so kind terms from which I had incurred.

Who am I?

Along with hatefulness for various reasons others may not understand, and for other reasons such as having nothing better to do with their time spewing their negative energies on various transgender women such as myself.

I am not ashamed of expressing the fact that I a transgender woman who happens to be a Christian herself, and one who has not undergone sexual reassignment surgery.

But that alone is not the focus of this blog, what matters is that I am alive, I am a child of God, I am a cross dresser, even at best a transgender woman who finally is not ashamed of who she expresses herself to be and can become.

Thanks for reading, and here's to the edification of Women hood.

Jennifer Mendez